what dreams may come

since the awakening of a small dreamer, my eyes have desired to see the sight i saw that night. but it was so much more than i could have ever imagined. grace, mercy, perseverance, trust, hope, kindness, selflessness, humility, truth accumulated in a great convergence of joy that one singular moment as his posture declared his will. he left me speechless, tears streamed down my blithesome grin, and all i could do was kiss his cheek. and now i get to kiss his cheek for the rest of our days.

thank you, wordsworth

(a handful of the) lines written a few miles above tintern abbey

For I have learned
To look on nature, not as in the hour
Of thoughtless youth; but hearing oftentimes
The still, sad music of humanity,
Not harsh nor grating, though of ample power
To chasten and subdue. And I have felt
A Presence that disturbs me with the joy
Of elevated thoughts; a sense sublime
Of something far more deeply interfused,
Who dwelling is the light of setting suns,
And the round ocean and the living air,
And the blue sky, and in the mind of man:
A motion and a spirit, that impels
All thinking things, all objects of all thought,
And rolls through all things. Therefore am I still
A lover of the meadows and the woods,
And mountains; and all that we behold
From this green earth; of all the mighty world
Of eye, and ear, - both what they half create,
And what perceive; well pleased to recognise
In nature and the language of the sense,
The anchor of my purest thoughts, the nurse,
The guide, the guardian of my heart, and soul
Of all my moral being.

William Wordsworth

r.e.s.p.ec.t.

i've heard a few complaints from friends in the past two years about their marriages. once the i do's have been said, the wooing is over, romance is gone, and the focus turns to changing diapers and praying for time to actually sleep. sustaining marriages are steadily on a downward climb though i had the honor recently of being in a room of 10 women who had been married for over 30 years. i don't know what marriage is like yet. i don't know what having a family is like yet. but there are a few things i do know, and things i think about because i do want to be married.

why do you marry in the first place? in Genesis God says early on, it is not good for man to be alone. God creates a help-mate for him. it is life-long companionship. it is life-long friendship. it was never intended to be anything temporary to fulfill and satisfy temporal, emotional, physical longings. it is a commitment vowed before the God of the universe to love, honor and cherish each other. in Cranmer's vows from the 1556 Book of Common Prayer, Cranmer writes:

....to join together this Man and this Woman in holy Matrimony; which is an honourable estate, instituted of God, signifying unto us the mystical union that is betwixt Christ and his Church: which holy estate Christ adorned and beautified with his presence and first miracle that he wrought in Cana of Galilee, and is commended of Saint Paul to be honourable among all men: and therefore is not by any to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly; but reverently, discreetly, advisedly, soberly, and in the fear of God. Into this holy estate these two persons present come now to be joined.


marriage is not to be entered into lightly or unadvisedly. it's not a status or a goal. it is something holy to be treated reverently.

desiring to be married, i do a lot of reading especially relationship books that approach marriage from a Biblical worldview. i am in no way professing i know how to sustain a marraige. i am approaching this in humility because i don't have a marriage i've tried this with. but as i am taking in information from those who have been married and have had issues, here are a few things i'm learning:

1. the honeymoon is just the beginning. the wooing never ends!!!
2. each partner has needs. you may not be experiencing the wooing like you had hoped, but are you aware of his needs? and are you voicing to him (gently and wisely) what your needs are?
3. it takes two. rarely is there one person at fault.
4. husbands, never give your wife a workout dvd unless she asks for it.
5. wives, please never imasculate your husband... especially in front of others.
6. he wants to be your hero.
7. she wants to be found beautiful to you.
8. love is a choice and an action. never equate it to feelings.
9. attraction is in the eye of the beholder. and the mind behind that eye.
10. yeild to one another.
11. respect your husband. it could be trusting him to do what he said he would do. or letting him out of going to the quilting expo. it could be giving him a night alone or with the guys without calling a thousand times. planning an evening alone for him with him in mind, what he would want to do. praise him where praise is due.
12. love your wife. it could be bringing her her favorite flowers for no reason. picking up dinner. changing the oil in her car. writing her a note on why you fell in love with her. doing the dishes. planning an evening alone with her, for her, doing what she would want to do. please tell her she is beautiful.
13. he comes first, after your relationship with God. honor him with trust.
14. she comes first, after your relationship with God. love her sacrificially.
15. never forget, there is a reason you chose each other!!!
16. this is the one person that you have been given to love unconditionally. unconditionally.

everything made beautiful. in its time.

"The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost" G.K. Chesterton

the days of summer have finally turned from scorching heat to a sweet sweet falling rain, a grace on this dry and weary soil. i am cherishing the gray clouds because the sun has been relentless and overall selfishly overpowering the wistfully parched sky.

today i'm in a pensive mood realizing the summer is closing... and hip, hip hooray for that... and fall is fast approaching. (of course austin fall means warm, three-quarter length shirt wearing weather and not the cozy hemp sweater wearing kind of fall.) the months are flitting away too quickly.

i'm thinking about time in the whole line up of eternity. when i think about it, our life span is so short. we're not given 200 years like those gone before (sorry but 969 years is way too long to live). we have these 70 to 80 (90s or 100s for others like my great grandmother) years to live. and i'm asking myself how am i spending those handful of years? am i living like i only have a little portion of time on the eternal timeline or do i spend it frivously? am i living as though time is short?

this translates in the way i choose to live, the way i love, the way i choose to treat others. the choices in what i do in my free time. the choices i make in behavior. the choices to forgive (or not forgive). the choices to be kind. to be graceful. to imitate kingly mercy. to imitate the shepherd. to not worry! yes, it's all scary. to be honest and real. to take that next step forward. to trust an unseen God. to remove masks in front of crouds of onlookers. to release pride and admit a mistake. to send a submission to another publisher after a rejection. to sing in front of a large group of strangers.

but without making these choices, life is not really worth it. it is existential nihilism and we're all just good country people. and my name is hulga.

are you living deep? are you living deliberately? are you sucking the marrow from this precious life that God graciously gave you?

Remember how fleeting is my life. psalm 89

thanksgiving in july

eucharistia

We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures. ~Thornton Wilder

I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought; and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder. ~G.K. Chesterton

i'm trying to grasp thankfulness today. gratefulness. why do we say thanks? why do we send thank you notes and flowers and speak blessings? why don't we just accept a gift and leave it at that? why do we say thank you?

older generations are lamenting the fact that the younger generations have lost all proper forms of manners. i have to agree. we have. i have been reading through dear abby and miss manners columns and this is my favorite quote: "The art of writing a thank-you is a social grace that every wise parent should pass along to his or her child."

yes, i learned to say thanks because my parents taught me to accept gracefully though i didn't always do it well. i remember vividly getting a lesson in gratefulness. i was in second grade and we lived in peru. i had just sung in front of the church with a couple of adults. on the walk home with my dad, someone gave me a compliment, and my response was, "no. i wasn't very good," trying to be self-efacing, trying to divert the attention from me. my dad gently corrected me telling me the proper response was a thank you. plain and simple. no one had to tell me i was a good performer. no one was obligated to compliment me; but they did it out of the goodness of their heart. i guess it was more a lesson on receiving gifts but i will never forget what it taught me on the giving of gifts as well.

not only did i learn it from my parents, but i also learned gratefulness from knowing Christ, for, truly knowing him, gratefulness will pour out like a dam undone.

And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

i'm still exploring the concept of gratitude, but i thought i would start by saying thank you. thank you mom and dad for raising me in God's truth and in the love of Christ. for that i am eternally grateful. thank you kara and joel for putting up with me and the many times you have shown grace to me. thank you brie for 19 years of friendship, prayer, and love. thank you molly verdyun and mrs. t and debby polizzi and martha rasco and carla heltzel and johanna oudman for being Godly examples and extending your wisdom and kindness to me. thank you dr. t and david and geno and the beacham family for being steadfast in your faith and leadership. you have been very influential in my life and in my faith. thank you to angela clemens and emily harris and brie and charity and kristy hoffpauir for giving me a roof over my head when i did not have one. thank you jan and jane and kate and stephanie and jodi for your support and prayers and patience with me. thank you caroline and john for supporting me and caring for me when times were hard. thank you jerry goff and tim wallace for being excellent pastors to a silly teenage girl. through your leadership i grew deeper in the knowlege of Christ.

thank you, neal, for your love. you amaze me and words cannot express how grateful i am for you.

thank you Christ for your unfailing love and amazing grace, the gifts you give i do not deserve. thank you God for your sacrifice. thank you that you call me Your own.

an exploration of caritas

Through a Glass Darkly by Henry Fraser

An Exploration of Caritas

She tries the known and unknown tongue,
clashing and clanging;
it sounds like dissonance;
she, standing on the corner soapbox
screaming love,
echoing imperfection.

Knowledge past and future
beats at his soul;
released left and right
the words flow like a torrent,
drowning love,
like an authentic counterfeit.

She cut her hair,
he sold his watch;
they gave it all away
for empty pockets
and bottomless cups;

So she chose the burning building,
and he ran in to save the cat on the third floor;
they became food for worms—
"meaningless, meaningless," blazed
the scorching disco ball.

Fresh breezes renew what once was,
evanescence removes the blotted cloth
and love's voice is heard again;
ashes swirl
and the clay molded;
he is made new,
she is made new.

He offers her his watch, she combs his hair;
a honeysuckle vine guards and sweetens their bed
under the great ancient oak—

love never promised rosebushes daily blooming,
but promised long suffering;
charity did not offer velvet cushions
but offered the cool spring of kindness;
unconditional love did not vow golden crowns
but vowed humility and grace.

Thistles and thorn bushes he bore
to save the snowdrops planted
in the scorching heat;
she gave the keys and her pearls to his able hand;
they ran a marathon through a sea of broken bottles
with the horizon setting in their eyes;
they held a ticker tape parade
in honor of words that withstood the fire.

Through a glass, darkly;
an impoverished reflection,
skinny and malnourished,
the picture is not whole but
dimly shaded,
corners darkened gray;
our view is poorly framed—
someday soon
perfect love will no longer cast shadows
and we will see face to face.

Copyright ©2010 by Micah McDonald

good words, one.

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.


after a year in an anglican church stateside and a year overseas, i have a new love for the english standard version.

quite contrary

how does your garden grow?

we planted seeds on the inspiration of a friend's garden. i wanted zucchini plants but none of the stores carried the plant, only the seeds. i have always been afraid of planting seeds. it can be disappointing when nothing comes up. sometimes you have bad seeds and they don't sprout. sometimes the gardener doesn't have the discipline to raise seeds. sometimes it's difficult to have the patience to wait on the seeds. i worried, did i do it right? did i plant the seeds too deep? two and a half weeks i waited. i wanted to see fruit. i wanted to see plants. neal saw his basil a lot earlier than my zucchini. i was getting discouraged and frustrated, thinking i would never be any good at this seed-raising-gardening-green-thumb thing. but i kept on watering. and i waited. well, wednesday morning i checked. number one zucchini plant rising through the potting soil, lovely green. new. still carrying it's seed. and deeply rooted. very strong roots. and yesterday, two more.




in this fast food culture of drive-thrus and microwaves, waiting is not valued. but there is much to gain in the waiting. in the waiting, you can choose to worry. you can choose to get frustrated and throw a fit. you can even choose to give up because the results you want to see aren't happening in your timing.

or you can just breath. relax. trust. keep on watering, keep on caring for the seeds, finding the right amount of sunlight. the right amount of exposure. and in time, the right time, you will see the fruit.

there's a little dirt between my toes

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.

this scripture stuns me in many ways. the night before he dies Christ gives this commandment. right before he made this commandment, he was serving his disciples by washing their dirty feet, a task usually performed by the lowest servant or, if you are an honored guest, by the host. it was not performed by the honored guest! but he does it; he showed them the full extent of his love. he gets on his knees, removes their sandals, wipes their feet clean with a towel around his waist. he washes all of their feet including judas, who jesus already knows will betray him. and still he extends his love for judas.

i am watching many people i care about focused on a desire to be loved, desire to be sought, a desire for relationship, a desire to be wanted. so many wanting friendship, wanting companionship. but how will it happen if we all sit on our hands and wait for others to come to us? i do this too. i want to be liked, to be needed, to be called. but it won't happen with my hands tied behind my back! and sometimes, it takes more than one phone call, more than one time sitting down with a coffee. sometimes it takes a good foot washin'.

neal and i had a funny incident a couple of weeks ago. i decided to pack him a lunch to take to work. and while i was doing that, he was getting a lunch for me. when i arrived at his house, we handed each other our lunches, both surprised by the simultaneous gesture. can you imagine if we were all washing each others feet, serving each other as Christ's example, not for our own reward? we might indeed be known by our love rather than what we are known for.

bells

my best friend got married last weekend. we did it! she made it! it was a beautiful day. neal called it a truly joyful celebration. when the bride and groom are both "older" and never married and it's a friend i've walked with for 19 years, it was hard for me not to be gushing with excitement! brie and i waited a long, long time for this day. she went through contemplating never getting married, but that didn't turn out! when she told me she had been praying for ed, when she told me of the letter he sent her, and her consent to be pursued, i celebrated knowing she was getting the desire of her heart. knowing she loved him. i actually interviewed ed to gauge his intentions and commitment to someone i dearly loved, and he passed. he loves her. a lot. sunday i had front row seats to his expressions as he said his vows to my friend. i got to watch the skin wrinkle up in the sides of his mouth while he smiled with his whole face lovingly and joyfully into her eyes. he was intentional and bold from the very beginning, and now he has a lifetime to love my friend and she him.

we've been through much, brie and i. 19 years of tears. of laughter. of prayer.

and it is with a glad heart i get to call her mrs. tschoepe!

the do's and don'ts of life in stressful, busy times

guidelines for managing stress when everything feels out of control and all you want to do is grind your teeth and growl


DON'TS

• don't pull out your hair. it's not good for you. it will only make you feel worse.
• don't ram the car in front of you even though they cut you off/broke the law/almost hit you. not. a. good. idea.
  
• don't eat a pint of rocky road. the almonds will get in your teeth and annoy you and the marshmallows might cause bloating.
• don't kick or punch a wall. bruised toe only more frustrating.
• don't take it out on the barista. yeah, he may have steamed the milk in your iced non fat latte, but he's just a boy.
• don't eat those cute little burgers for fun. as my boyfriend says, they're called sliders for a reason.
• don't watch a sad sentimental movie. you'll just start crying and weeping and reminiscing and blowing your nose and hear yourself saying, "remember when?"
• don't hit anyone. or bite. or kick. (you're no longer 2 years old, unless my niece is reading this!)
  

DO

• do brush your hair (you'll thank me later.)
• do beat on your horn and scream in the car. that... is a better choice.
• do eat ice cream. just not a pint (oh, college days when i could eat a pint and still look like i never ate)
• do hit or kick something soft (like a pillow. or a boxing bag. just not a barista.)
• do tell your barista to have a nice day. and until life is less stressful, get your drink from a different barista if the first barista doesn't learn how to make a simple iced non fat latte.
• do eat something else cute besides those little burgers. flautas can be cute. black beans are pretty darn cute. nothing is cuter than a petite salad with some scored cucumbers and itty bitty grape tomatoes.
• do watch something that inspires a little action. one roommate and i watched alias together; i was very inspired to learn kung fu. my current roommate and i watch lost. it's nice to get a little "lost" once in a while. i'm always inspired afterward to go take a shower and change clothes. (do they ever get to change clothes? i totally want to brush evangeline lily's hair.)
• do kiss someone (preferably someone you know. and that you know well. and that you usually kiss.) hugs go over great.
  

gifts, grace, and gratefulness

i've been a little grumpy and upset lately as i watched kindness and grace abused by someone who expected it of me and took it in a kind of "grace greed"; not an ounce of gratitude was given. i wrestle with this so much because i don't know how to properly respond, how to love and serve as Christ loved and served; and in the same breath, NOT to be walked all over and to set healthy appropriate boundaries. grace was expected and not extended; it almost felt as if a "you owe me" beam was radiating from this person's forehead. i know that beam because i too have radiated that beam in the past.

and so it has me thinking through this thing called grace and the wonderful gifts and graces i have been given.

this year my boyfriend gave me the best valentines day i have ever experienced. he made homemade gnocchi, steak, veggies. had flowers and chocolates adorning a lovely table. gifts sitting in my chair. and to top it off he made homemade red velvet cake. he did it as a service, as an expression of love to me. and i saw it as a reflection of the love he knows from Christ. he did a lot; he didn't have to do so much. it was a grace, a gift for me and it touched me deeply. it was something lovely, beautiful. and i am so grateful for this man.

i have to say, i am so glad i am in service of a High King, a relational but revered God. i am also glad i know a Savior who graciously gave, who came to serve on this earth, who showed mercy to this soul, giving His life up and taking all my grime and gross-ness, and all the grime and gross-ness done to me, sacrificially walking to the cross not only carrying a great beam, but also the weight of the sin of all generations on his back, suffering greater pain than i'll ever comprehend, giving up the heavens, giving up his rights as the son of the Most High King, giving up breath, that we may enter into the Kingdom of Heaven. that we may know fellowship with the Author of goodness, truth, beauty, kindness, grace and mercy.

it takes humility to extend grace otherwise it is not grace. can you imagine Jesus walking around on this earth, pointing and saying, "you owe me. i gave you life." he didn't do that! in fact, he said he came to serve, to be a ransom for many. it wouldn't be grace if it required a payment. it wouldn't be mercy. it wouldn't be kindness. it wouldn't be goodness. his sacrifice was a gift! Jesus extended His grace fully aware that many would not accept his gift of life, fully aware that many would never show an ounce of gratitude, in fact, many would reject his gift, mock it, spit on it, deny it, abuse it. it wouldn't be true grace if gratitude was expected; by nature grace is unmerited.

and by nature grace takes humility to receive, to say i cannot do this on my own, i need love, i need help. it does matter how i respond to gifts, to grace, to service. neal has my devotion and my love. and i am always looking for ways to bless him, to serve him and love him more. Christ above all has my devotion and my love. His gift has eternal rewards; the counsel of the Holy Spirit, the title of adopted child of God, fellowship with Jesus, and when i die, I get to dwell in goodness, wisdom, mercy and love. and i am always looking for ways to bless him, to serve him, to love him more.

God's grace is for all but it can only be received in humility.

Matthew 20:25-28 Jesus called them together and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."

Art by Christopher Koelle

"are you bona fide?"

love that line from o brother where art thou. and today, i am. i just got paid to write. done it for free (though as part of my job) and done it for me. and now, well, now....

i'm bona fide.

camp, it's on its way.

she

The first mention of St. Valentine's Day is in Chaucer's Parliament of Foules (though it is up for debate which Valentine) in the 14th century in honor of King Richard II of England and Anne of Bohemia, a poem for the love birds who wed at a very very young 15 years. Richard and Anne were true lovers who were evidently devoted to one another and deeply in love though it was an arranged match. In fact, neither took other lovers, no recorded illegitimate children, and Richard is noted in referring to Anne as his beloved. on her death he refused to walk into any room that reminded him of her and was described as being wild with grief. Also, Anne did not come with money. In fact, Richard paid Anne's brother Wencelslas for Anne's hand.

Anne was known for helping Richard with his temper, for pleading on behalf of Londoners and others endearing herself to the king, and though she remained childless throughout their 12 year marriage, he remained faithful.

And that is a couple to commemorate.

For this was on seynt Volantynys day
Whan euery bryd comyth there to chese his make.

grace revisited.

mickey myers night falls on jericho street

i love u2's song grace. it is a blanket of comfort as i play it over and over. "what once was hurt, what once was friction, what left a mark, no longer stings; because grace makes beauty out of ugly things." i read an article in Christianity today where Bono speaks on grace. "Grace defies reason and logic. Love interrupts, if you like, the consequences of your actions, which in my case is very good news indeed, because I've done a lot of stupid stuff."

i would like to add a bit more to it. grace interrupts the consequences of death and grime. the cross was an act of Grace, but it was costly. i still have to respond to that grace. i still have to be proactive. otherwise, it cheapens grace, "it is forgiveness without repentance" as Bonhoeffer said.

i have found grace offered to me over and over; but if i don't accept it, move with it, then the beauty of it is lost.

emanuel gat dance

appreciation

“Let us learn to appreciate there will be times when the trees will be bare, and look forward to the time when we may pick the fruit.” Chekhov

a personal mantra of mine has been, "don't take it for granted. ever." because i have, especially in the past. have you ever found yourself looking back after having something and during that time you didn't realize how great it was? one personal example was living in downtown Chicago attending college there. i thoroughly enjoyed myself though i took for granted the opportunity to study there as well as the opportunity to live downtown. i had wonderful professors to teach me and train me, with resources beyond my 19 year old comprehension all at an incredible price (free). but i was depressed and confused and downcast and distracted and 19. i've been offered many opportunities like that and not realized how sweet the deal was.

i've also seen and experienced life without. felt the desert around me. and i have walked through a few valleys, the most recent one being pain. though to Job my life has been sunshine and cauliflower, it hasn't been easy.

the valleys have taught me an overwhelming gratefulness for the seasons of plenty. BUT, in the plenty, i am now grateful for the valley. there has been much to see from down there. much to learn. i read a quote today from the band, Relient K. "...But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair." and i can say, it was grace that kept me in the valley and grace that led me out. and i don't take it for granted.

06.01.09

it's january 6th, 2009 already. this year started busy and the days have flown by so quickly. christmas and new years were jam packed with holiday goodness and family time. neal and i didn't stop though we had time to enjoy it all. neal made the christmas gravy that awed my family. i made some tart homemade cranberry sauce. we played with the girls, watched movies, and ate really delicious food for days and days. we toured a winery, remembered the alamo, strolled the riverwalk, did the new year's day polar bear swim. active and busy. but rich and full.

i am starting this new year not liking my writing anymore; but i'll keep writing. because i enjoy it. because i think i could be good with time and practice. because sometimes you just keep swimming even if it feels like it is all upstream.

i am starting this new year healthy again. after a year long battle with pain and illness, with accepting a chronic condition and then being told that i will be completely well in the next few months, i am ready to regain strength and start moving forward.

i am starting this year aware that i have had a skewed view of God's goodness in the past. he is good- all the time. and as i am in a place of contentment, i want to remember that fact no matter what the circumstances are.

i am starting this year joyful for my dear friend, brie as she prepares to be a bride. we have known each other for 18+ years, many many life seasons. i am thrilled for this esther season and honored to walk with you in it.

and, i am starting this year deeply in love, blessed to be journeying with you.