condition of the heart

My father had a heart attack Tuesday morning. at 5:45 in the morning he woke my mom up to call 911. he eats well; the idea of eating white bread or even white rice is repulsive to him. he takes his medicine. he is quite active in the outdoors taking care of the yard, doing home projects. doesn't smoke or drink. he had a heart attack 20 years ago around this time, a triple bypass 19 years ago around this time, and one stent put in 2 years ago around this time. the stent, a modern medical miracle that is supposed to last 15 years, collapsed for no reason. the cardiologist was so baffled by the stent collapsing (and the heart attack) that my dad's case will be reported to the american college of cardiology. the stent is replaced. dad is recovering well; he is cracking jokes, making friends, and talking back to the tv. when i told him that Sophie (one of their 3 breeding dogs) was a mess, he said, "oh, I need to bathe her when I get home." we told him not to worry about it. dad is ready to come home now, but they are playing it safe and releasing him tomorrow.
it gave mom, kara and i quite a scare. it was the call i had been dreading for years. i begged and pleaded with the Lord for mercy. i hadn't cried like that in a while. he is still young. i wasn't ready for him to leave this crumbling earth. are we ever ready?
so how is the condition of my heart? how is my anger with the Lord? i am grateful that dad is with us. i am relieved. but... no, no what if's. i wish i could say, 'it is well with my soul'; i can't right now, even though dad is out of danger. that is said not with pride and arrogance scoffing at God because He didn't make my life or my loved ones' lives easier and now i am going to stop trusting him (or maybe it is... hmmm). it is said with reproof. i want to say 'it is well'. i don't know how. i am still learning. yes, there is pride and arrogance in me (that kind that goes back to the fall) of wanting to be God-like, trying to grasp a full understanding of Him. not that knowing him more and desiring more of him is a sin, but trying to be God and deciding on my own what is best for me, my loved ones, this earth, pretending to completely know his heart, his way; there is the folly. walking on my own without trust... aye, there's the rub. oh, but to trust him and to walk into a storm and say '...when sorrows like sea billows roll, whatever the cost thou hast taught me to say it is well, it is well with my soul.' that is what i want! that is something i strive toward. when accidents happen and loved ones suffer, i want the peace of Christ which transcends all understanding to guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus.