i sat at the edge of the water, frozen (literally and figuratively). we've had a bit of a "cool" snap here even though we've already experienced a month plus of summer like temperatures. and the water, well, it's a bit chilly.
i sat there dumbfounded why i couldn't jump in; i love the water and i love to swim. and i'm used to 68 degree water. i'm fast and i have my strokes down, but everything in me stuck there... pool side. after about 15 minutes of the internal battle (I want to go in, I can't go in, Why can't I just go in?), it hit me what the issue was. i was lonely. my friend who recently passed and her best friend were my pool companions just four years ago. carla was a motivator to get in the water; she always went in first. and she swam hard. the accountability of having them call me up and invite me to swim with them, healed a lot in me; brokenness, body image issues, and a need for friends in my life. there is something about exercising together. it's like a battle, fighting side by side, taking a Clayborne to the lies and the self deprecating soliloquies on beauty and worth.
and there i sat. remembering with nostalgia and mourning the loss of something sweet, something powerful, something right. missing those days. missing carla and her amazing and fighting spirit.
but with that remembrance, i remembered the battle. i remembered the inner battle cry; i am no coward. i am a warrior. And then, I jumped in the chilly water.
you are no coward. YOU are a warrior.
Showing posts with label intrapersonal musing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label intrapersonal musing. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
coming to the quiet
When despair for the world grows in me and I wake in the night at the least sound in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be, I go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds. I come into the peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief. I come into the presence of still water. And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light. For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free. Wendell Berry
it's the time of year, lenten season, where some surrender and give up something particular. it's been quiet around the house even though life is full and much is buzzing around me. but it's quiet because of giving up unnecessary things. and noisy things. i've also tried to make time for being quiet, creating space for the quiet.
we have a work out center near us that is very convenient. but there are televisions everywhere and it looks out on a man made structure and there are machine noises and tv noises and ipod noises and the sound the treadmill makes as my shoes scuff across it. it feels synthetic. it is synthetic.
and then 20 minutes from our place, there is a smallish lake. yes, i am aware that it is a man made lake, but it has created something natural and organic. it is where geese and ducks swim, where deer come to the bank for a drink or to stand by and watch, where fathers bring their children to fish and mothers take them to kayak, where families come to walk together and be together.
i love going there to exercise, to sit, to watch the families of all sizes and nationalities, to feel the breeze off the lake caress my face. i go there to sit and pray and listen to God. to walk and push through worries and fears, to let them go and walk forward trusting Him.
and though nature buzzes above my head and groups of people pass me by, it is quiet and still.
it's the time of year, lenten season, where some surrender and give up something particular. it's been quiet around the house even though life is full and much is buzzing around me. but it's quiet because of giving up unnecessary things. and noisy things. i've also tried to make time for being quiet, creating space for the quiet.
we have a work out center near us that is very convenient. but there are televisions everywhere and it looks out on a man made structure and there are machine noises and tv noises and ipod noises and the sound the treadmill makes as my shoes scuff across it. it feels synthetic. it is synthetic.
and then 20 minutes from our place, there is a smallish lake. yes, i am aware that it is a man made lake, but it has created something natural and organic. it is where geese and ducks swim, where deer come to the bank for a drink or to stand by and watch, where fathers bring their children to fish and mothers take them to kayak, where families come to walk together and be together.
i love going there to exercise, to sit, to watch the families of all sizes and nationalities, to feel the breeze off the lake caress my face. i go there to sit and pray and listen to God. to walk and push through worries and fears, to let them go and walk forward trusting Him.
and though nature buzzes above my head and groups of people pass me by, it is quiet and still.
Monday, February 7, 2011
touching on grief...
"It is hard to have patience with people who say 'There is no death' or 'Death doesn't matter.' There is death. And whatever is matters. And whatever happens has consequences, and it and they are irrevocable and irreversible. You might as well say that birth doesn't matter." C.S. Lewis
Someone recently said something that has stuck with me as I process and mourn the loss of my friend. Death is not natural. Death was not a part of life before the fall; it came after it. Death was not meant for this life. We were not meant for death.
Grief is like a wrestling match. There are times when I feel like I have conquered it, I raise my hands in triumph and grief surprises me and pins me down again. All cultures have many different ways to process grief. We all have different ways of going through it. It's just that it is important to go through the process of grief... and not avoid it. I don't want to scan pictures for her memorial because it means it really happened. But I will.
i miss my friend.
Someone recently said something that has stuck with me as I process and mourn the loss of my friend. Death is not natural. Death was not a part of life before the fall; it came after it. Death was not meant for this life. We were not meant for death.
Grief is like a wrestling match. There are times when I feel like I have conquered it, I raise my hands in triumph and grief surprises me and pins me down again. All cultures have many different ways to process grief. We all have different ways of going through it. It's just that it is important to go through the process of grief... and not avoid it. I don't want to scan pictures for her memorial because it means it really happened. But I will.
i miss my friend.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
breathing lessons
it's the time of year for me when everything is so, so busy. my job load increases with an upcoming gala and silent auction on top of my regular work. we're still in the throws of the honeymoon phase of the marriage. but there's health issues that have slowed me down considerably. and then there's the friend who is still hurting and it weighs on my heart. and then there's not having energy for the daily things... like laundry and cooking and writing.
last night i could not fall asleep thinking about too many things. my husband. our future. the gala. my friend. my health. i started praying, passionately. i was worked up and frustrated while i prayed, asking God to intervene in the difficult situations. and then i realized something i have encouraged for others but wasn't practicing myself; sometimes you have to put aside your worries, your health, your petitions to look and see how lovely and mighty and kind and good God is. I turned to Psalm 33 and saw. my God is so much more than these little things.
last night i could not fall asleep thinking about too many things. my husband. our future. the gala. my friend. my health. i started praying, passionately. i was worked up and frustrated while i prayed, asking God to intervene in the difficult situations. and then i realized something i have encouraged for others but wasn't practicing myself; sometimes you have to put aside your worries, your health, your petitions to look and see how lovely and mighty and kind and good God is. I turned to Psalm 33 and saw. my God is so much more than these little things.
Shout for joy in the Lord, O you righteous!
Praise befits the upright.
Give thanks to the Lord with the lyre;
make melody to him with the harp of ten strings!
Sing to him a new song;
play skillfully on the strings, with loud shouts.
For the word of the Lord is upright,
and all his work is done in faithfulness.
He loves righteousness and justice;
the earth is full of the steadfast love of the Lord.
By the word of the Lord the heavens were made,
and by the breath of his mouth all their host.
He gathers the waters of the sea as a heap;
he puts the deeps in storehouses.
Let all the earth fear the Lord;
let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of him!
For he spoke, and it came to be;
he commanded, and it stood firm.
The Lord brings the counsel of the nations to nothing;
he frustrates the plans of the peoples.
The counsel of the Lord stands forever,
the plans of his heart to all generations.
Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord,
the people whom he has chosen as his heritage!
The Lord looks down from heaven;
he sees all the children of man;
from where he sits enthroned he looks out
on all the inhabitants of the earth,
he who fashions the hearts of them all
and observes all their deeds.
The king is not saved by his great army;
a warrior is not delivered by his great strength.
The war horse is a false hope for salvation,
and by its great might it cannot rescue.
Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear him,
on those who hope in his steadfast love,
that he may deliver their soul from death
and keep them alive in famine.
Our soul waits for the Lord;
he is our help and our shield.
For our heart is glad in him,
because we trust in his holy name.
Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us,
even as we hope in you.
Friday, September 11, 2009
everything made beautiful. in its time.
"The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost" G.K. Chesterton
the days of summer have finally turned from scorching heat to a sweet sweet falling rain, a grace on this dry and weary soil. i am cherishing the gray clouds because the sun has been relentless and overall selfishly overpowering the wistfully parched sky.
today i'm in a pensive mood realizing the summer is closing... and hip, hip hooray for that... and fall is fast approaching. (of course austin fall means warm, three-quarter length shirt wearing weather and not the cozy hemp sweater wearing kind of fall.) the months are flitting away too quickly.
i'm thinking about time in the whole line up of eternity. when i think about it, our life span is so short. we're not given 200 years like those gone before (sorry but 969 years is way too long to live). we have these 70 to 80 (90s or 100s for others like my great grandmother) years to live. and i'm asking myself how am i spending those handful of years? am i living like i only have a little portion of time on the eternal timeline or do i spend it frivously? am i living as though time is short?
this translates in the way i choose to live, the way i love, the way i choose to treat others. the choices in what i do in my free time. the choices i make in behavior. the choices to forgive (or not forgive). the choices to be kind. to be graceful. to imitate kingly mercy. to imitate the shepherd. to not worry! yes, it's all scary. to be honest and real. to take that next step forward. to trust an unseen God. to remove masks in front of crouds of onlookers. to release pride and admit a mistake. to send a submission to another publisher after a rejection. to sing in front of a large group of strangers.
but without making these choices, life is not really worth it. it is existential nihilism and we're all just good country people. and my name is hulga.
are you living deep? are you living deliberately? are you sucking the marrow from this precious life that God graciously gave you?
Remember how fleeting is my life. psalm 89
the days of summer have finally turned from scorching heat to a sweet sweet falling rain, a grace on this dry and weary soil. i am cherishing the gray clouds because the sun has been relentless and overall selfishly overpowering the wistfully parched sky.
today i'm in a pensive mood realizing the summer is closing... and hip, hip hooray for that... and fall is fast approaching. (of course austin fall means warm, three-quarter length shirt wearing weather and not the cozy hemp sweater wearing kind of fall.) the months are flitting away too quickly.
i'm thinking about time in the whole line up of eternity. when i think about it, our life span is so short. we're not given 200 years like those gone before (sorry but 969 years is way too long to live). we have these 70 to 80 (90s or 100s for others like my great grandmother) years to live. and i'm asking myself how am i spending those handful of years? am i living like i only have a little portion of time on the eternal timeline or do i spend it frivously? am i living as though time is short?
this translates in the way i choose to live, the way i love, the way i choose to treat others. the choices in what i do in my free time. the choices i make in behavior. the choices to forgive (or not forgive). the choices to be kind. to be graceful. to imitate kingly mercy. to imitate the shepherd. to not worry! yes, it's all scary. to be honest and real. to take that next step forward. to trust an unseen God. to remove masks in front of crouds of onlookers. to release pride and admit a mistake. to send a submission to another publisher after a rejection. to sing in front of a large group of strangers.
but without making these choices, life is not really worth it. it is existential nihilism and we're all just good country people. and my name is hulga.
are you living deep? are you living deliberately? are you sucking the marrow from this precious life that God graciously gave you?
Remember how fleeting is my life. psalm 89
Friday, June 19, 2009
quite contrary
how does your garden grow?
we planted seeds on the inspiration of a friend's garden. i wanted zucchini plants but none of the stores carried the plant, only the seeds. i have always been afraid of planting seeds. it can be disappointing when nothing comes up. sometimes you have bad seeds and they don't sprout. sometimes the gardener doesn't have the discipline to raise seeds. sometimes it's difficult to have the patience to wait on the seeds. i worried, did i do it right? did i plant the seeds too deep? two and a half weeks i waited. i wanted to see fruit. i wanted to see plants. neal saw his basil a lot earlier than my zucchini. i was getting discouraged and frustrated, thinking i would never be any good at this seed-raising-gardening-green-thumb thing. but i kept on watering. and i waited. well, wednesday morning i checked. number one zucchini plant rising through the potting soil, lovely green. new. still carrying it's seed. and deeply rooted. very strong roots. and yesterday, two more.
in this fast food culture of drive-thrus and microwaves, waiting is not valued. but there is much to gain in the waiting. in the waiting, you can choose to worry. you can choose to get frustrated and throw a fit. you can even choose to give up because the results you want to see aren't happening in your timing.
or you can just breath. relax. trust. keep on watering, keep on caring for the seeds, finding the right amount of sunlight. the right amount of exposure. and in time, the right time, you will see the fruit.
we planted seeds on the inspiration of a friend's garden. i wanted zucchini plants but none of the stores carried the plant, only the seeds. i have always been afraid of planting seeds. it can be disappointing when nothing comes up. sometimes you have bad seeds and they don't sprout. sometimes the gardener doesn't have the discipline to raise seeds. sometimes it's difficult to have the patience to wait on the seeds. i worried, did i do it right? did i plant the seeds too deep? two and a half weeks i waited. i wanted to see fruit. i wanted to see plants. neal saw his basil a lot earlier than my zucchini. i was getting discouraged and frustrated, thinking i would never be any good at this seed-raising-gardening-green-thumb thing. but i kept on watering. and i waited. well, wednesday morning i checked. number one zucchini plant rising through the potting soil, lovely green. new. still carrying it's seed. and deeply rooted. very strong roots. and yesterday, two more.
in this fast food culture of drive-thrus and microwaves, waiting is not valued. but there is much to gain in the waiting. in the waiting, you can choose to worry. you can choose to get frustrated and throw a fit. you can even choose to give up because the results you want to see aren't happening in your timing.
or you can just breath. relax. trust. keep on watering, keep on caring for the seeds, finding the right amount of sunlight. the right amount of exposure. and in time, the right time, you will see the fruit.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
bells
my best friend got married last weekend. we did it! she made it! it was a beautiful day. neal called it a truly joyful celebration. when the bride and groom are both "older" and never married and it's a friend i've walked with for 19 years, it was hard for me not to be gushing with excitement! brie and i waited a long, long time for this day. she went through contemplating never getting married, but that didn't turn out! when she told me she had been praying for ed, when she told me of the letter he sent her, and her consent to be pursued, i celebrated knowing she was getting the desire of her heart. knowing she loved him. i actually interviewed ed to gauge his intentions and commitment to someone i dearly loved, and he passed. he loves her. a lot. sunday i had front row seats to his expressions as he said his vows to my friend. i got to watch the skin wrinkle up in the sides of his mouth while he smiled with his whole face lovingly and joyfully into her eyes. he was intentional and bold from the very beginning, and now he has a lifetime to love my friend and she him.
we've been through much, brie and i. 19 years of tears. of laughter. of prayer.
and it is with a glad heart i get to call her mrs. tschoepe!
we've been through much, brie and i. 19 years of tears. of laughter. of prayer.
and it is with a glad heart i get to call her mrs. tschoepe!
Thursday, April 9, 2009
gifts, grace, and gratefulness
i've been a little grumpy and upset lately as i watched kindness and grace abused by someone who expected it of me and took it in a kind of "grace greed"; not an ounce of gratitude was given. i wrestle with this so much because i don't know how to properly respond, how to love and serve as Christ loved and served; and in the same breath, NOT to be walked all over and to set healthy appropriate boundaries. grace was expected and not extended; it almost felt as if a "you owe me" beam was radiating from this person's forehead. i know that beam because i too have radiated that beam in the past.
and so it has me thinking through this thing called grace and the wonderful gifts and graces i have been given.
this year my boyfriend gave me the best valentines day i have ever experienced. he made homemade gnocchi, steak, veggies. had flowers and chocolates adorning a lovely table. gifts sitting in my chair. and to top it off he made homemade red velvet cake. he did it as a service, as an expression of love to me. and i saw it as a reflection of the love he knows from Christ. he did a lot; he didn't have to do so much. it was a grace, a gift for me and it touched me deeply. it was something lovely, beautiful. and i am so grateful for this man.
i have to say, i am so glad i am in service of a High King, a relational but revered God. i am also glad i know a Savior
who graciously gave, who came to serve on this earth, who showed mercy to this soul, giving His life up and taking all my grime and gross-ness, and all the grime and gross-ness done to me, sacrificially walking to the cross not only carrying a great beam, but also the weight of the sin of all generations on his back, suffering greater pain than i'll ever comprehend, giving up the heavens, giving up his rights as the son of the Most High King, giving up breath, that we may enter into the Kingdom of Heaven. that we may know fellowship with the Author of goodness, truth, beauty, kindness, grace and mercy.
it takes humility to extend grace otherwise it is not grace. can you imagine Jesus walking around on this earth, pointing and saying, "you owe me. i gave you life." he didn't do that! in fact, he said he came to serve, to be a ransom for many. it wouldn't be grace if it required a payment. it wouldn't be mercy. it wouldn't be kindness. it wouldn't be goodness. his sacrifice was a gift! Jesus extended His grace fully aware that many would not accept his gift of life, fully aware that many would never show an ounce of gratitude, in fact, many would reject his gift, mock it, spit on it, deny it, abuse it. it wouldn't be true grace if gratitude was expected; by nature grace is unmerited.
and by nature grace takes humility to receive, to say i cannot do this on my own, i need love, i need help. it does matter how i respond to gifts, to grace, to service. neal has my devotion and my love. and i am always looking for ways to bless him, to serve him and love him more. Christ above all has my devotion and my love. His gift has eternal rewards; the counsel of the Holy Spirit, the title of adopted child of God, fellowship with Jesus, and when i die, I get to dwell in goodness, wisdom, mercy and love. and i am always looking for ways to bless him, to serve him, to love him more.
God's grace is for all but it can only be received in humility.
Matthew 20:25-28 Jesus called them together and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."
Art by Christopher Koelle
and so it has me thinking through this thing called grace and the wonderful gifts and graces i have been given.
this year my boyfriend gave me the best valentines day i have ever experienced. he made homemade gnocchi, steak, veggies. had flowers and chocolates adorning a lovely table. gifts sitting in my chair. and to top it off he made homemade red velvet cake. he did it as a service, as an expression of love to me. and i saw it as a reflection of the love he knows from Christ. he did a lot; he didn't have to do so much. it was a grace, a gift for me and it touched me deeply. it was something lovely, beautiful. and i am so grateful for this man.i have to say, i am so glad i am in service of a High King, a relational but revered God. i am also glad i know a Savior
who graciously gave, who came to serve on this earth, who showed mercy to this soul, giving His life up and taking all my grime and gross-ness, and all the grime and gross-ness done to me, sacrificially walking to the cross not only carrying a great beam, but also the weight of the sin of all generations on his back, suffering greater pain than i'll ever comprehend, giving up the heavens, giving up his rights as the son of the Most High King, giving up breath, that we may enter into the Kingdom of Heaven. that we may know fellowship with the Author of goodness, truth, beauty, kindness, grace and mercy.it takes humility to extend grace otherwise it is not grace. can you imagine Jesus walking around on this earth, pointing and saying, "you owe me. i gave you life." he didn't do that! in fact, he said he came to serve, to be a ransom for many. it wouldn't be grace if it required a payment. it wouldn't be mercy. it wouldn't be kindness. it wouldn't be goodness. his sacrifice was a gift! Jesus extended His grace fully aware that many would not accept his gift of life, fully aware that many would never show an ounce of gratitude, in fact, many would reject his gift, mock it, spit on it, deny it, abuse it. it wouldn't be true grace if gratitude was expected; by nature grace is unmerited.
and by nature grace takes humility to receive, to say i cannot do this on my own, i need love, i need help. it does matter how i respond to gifts, to grace, to service. neal has my devotion and my love. and i am always looking for ways to bless him, to serve him and love him more. Christ above all has my devotion and my love. His gift has eternal rewards; the counsel of the Holy Spirit, the title of adopted child of God, fellowship with Jesus, and when i die, I get to dwell in goodness, wisdom, mercy and love. and i am always looking for ways to bless him, to serve him, to love him more.
God's grace is for all but it can only be received in humility.
Matthew 20:25-28 Jesus called them together and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."
Art by Christopher Koelle
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
appreciation
“Let us learn to appreciate there will be times when the trees will be bare, and look forward to the time when we may pick the fruit.” Chekhov
a personal mantra of mine has been, "don't take it for granted. ever." because i have, especially in the past. have you ever found yourself looking back after having something and during that time you didn't realize how great it was? one personal example was living in downtown Chicago attending college there. i thoroughly enjoyed myself though i took for granted the opportunity to study there as well as the opportunity to live downtown. i had wonderful professors to teach me and train me, with resources beyond my 19 year old comprehension all at an incredible price (free). but i was depressed and confused and downcast and distracted and 19. i've been offered many opportunities like that and not realized how sweet the deal was.
i've also seen and experienced life without. felt the desert around me. and i have walked through a few valleys, the most recent one being pain. though to Job my life has been sunshine and cauliflower, it hasn't been easy.
the valleys have taught me an overwhelming gratefulness for the seasons of plenty. BUT, in the plenty, i am now grateful for the valley. there has been much to see from down there. much to learn. i read a quote today from the band, Relient K. "...But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair." and i can say, it was grace that kept me in the valley and grace that led me out. and i don't take it for granted.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
06.01.09
it's january 6th, 2009 already. this year started busy and the days have flown by so quickly. christmas and new years were jam packed with holiday goodness and family time. neal and i didn't stop though we had time to enjoy it all. neal made the christmas gravy that awed my family. i made some tart homemade cranberry sauce. we played with the girls, watched movies, and ate really delicious food for days and days. we toured a winery, remembered the alamo, strolled the riverwalk, did the new year's day polar bear swim. active and busy. but rich and full.
i am starting this new year not liking my writing anymore; but i'll keep writing. because i enjoy it. because i think i could be good with time and practice. because sometimes you just keep swimming even if it feels like it is all upstream.
i am starting this new year healthy again. after a year long battle with pain and illness, with accepting a chronic condition and then being told that i will be completely well in the next few months, i am ready to regain strength and start moving forward.
i am starting this year aware that i have had a skewed view of God's goodness in the past. he is good- all the time. and as i am in a place of contentment, i want to remember that fact no matter what the circumstances are.
i am starting this year joyful for my dear friend, brie as she prepares to be a bride. we have known each other for 18+ years, many many life seasons. i am thrilled for this esther season and honored to walk with you in it.
and, i am starting this year deeply in love, blessed to be journeying with you.
i am starting this new year not liking my writing anymore; but i'll keep writing. because i enjoy it. because i think i could be good with time and practice. because sometimes you just keep swimming even if it feels like it is all upstream.
i am starting this new year healthy again. after a year long battle with pain and illness, with accepting a chronic condition and then being told that i will be completely well in the next few months, i am ready to regain strength and start moving forward.
i am starting this year aware that i have had a skewed view of God's goodness in the past. he is good- all the time. and as i am in a place of contentment, i want to remember that fact no matter what the circumstances are.
i am starting this year joyful for my dear friend, brie as she prepares to be a bride. we have known each other for 18+ years, many many life seasons. i am thrilled for this esther season and honored to walk with you in it.
and, i am starting this year deeply in love, blessed to be journeying with you.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
phantastes
i love the fall. it is my favorite season though we reeeeally don't get much of a true fall here in austin. i love fall foods. i love falling leaves. i love long lusty breezes streaming through the screen. fall reminds me of good folk music. warm colors. piping bowls of quinoa and lentils. flavorful soups embracing my taste buds. baking anything and everything from cornbread to gluten free butterscotch brownies (we even made gluten free monster cookies the other day!). cuddly clothes. crunchy footsteps. overcast days. soothing midnight rain.
i wish i could wear sweaters in the fall. i wish we had more colors, more trees. i wish it were crispier outside and i could see my breath in the morning mist. i wish there were stacks and stacks of leaves to jump in. my ideal fall day would be with neal, sipping warm drinks, curled up in a big reading chair with a gi-normous book in hand, cool outdoor air whistling through open windows, mellow music, cozy sweaters, grey skies, all while viewing rolling hills carpeted in oranges and reds and browns and greens.
but we're in central texas. where it's still in the 80s and 90s (the day after i wrote this it dropped to 64! yahoo!). and autumn comes in december. right before christmas. and the trees are pretty short. and the breezes have been sparse (though it has been deliciously grey lately). and wearing a sweater sounds sweltering. and that is the reality of it all.
every november 300 million monarchs end their migratory journey in the south central mountains of mexico. 300 million. something truly magnificent. awe inspiring. breathtaking. a hail storm of monarchs. something out of myth. phantastical, in a way. i can't imagine being able to see it and would probably pinch myself as my jaw dropped to the ground.
the cool winds will come. there will be some color. and i will find ways to make this a true fall. there is a new reality to this fall. it's unexpected, a bit dream-like and i ocassionally have to pinch myself to believe it. i get to share this fall with you, a man i admire and love. and that is just as real as 300 million monarchs in the mountains of michoacan in november.
i wish i could wear sweaters in the fall. i wish we had more colors, more trees. i wish it were crispier outside and i could see my breath in the morning mist. i wish there were stacks and stacks of leaves to jump in. my ideal fall day would be with neal, sipping warm drinks, curled up in a big reading chair with a gi-normous book in hand, cool outdoor air whistling through open windows, mellow music, cozy sweaters, grey skies, all while viewing rolling hills carpeted in oranges and reds and browns and greens.
but we're in central texas. where it's still in the 80s and 90s (the day after i wrote this it dropped to 64! yahoo!). and autumn comes in december. right before christmas. and the trees are pretty short. and the breezes have been sparse (though it has been deliciously grey lately). and wearing a sweater sounds sweltering. and that is the reality of it all.
every november 300 million monarchs end their migratory journey in the south central mountains of mexico. 300 million. something truly magnificent. awe inspiring. breathtaking. a hail storm of monarchs. something out of myth. phantastical, in a way. i can't imagine being able to see it and would probably pinch myself as my jaw dropped to the ground.
the cool winds will come. there will be some color. and i will find ways to make this a true fall. there is a new reality to this fall. it's unexpected, a bit dream-like and i ocassionally have to pinch myself to believe it. i get to share this fall with you, a man i admire and love. and that is just as real as 300 million monarchs in the mountains of michoacan in november.
Friday, September 12, 2008
on politics and pansies
august 26, 1920, united states. the 19th amendment. it was 1920 before women had the right to vote, before women had a voice in politics thanks to the ratification by tennessee (i love those volunteers); much suffering by the advocates; and the dedication of elizabeth cady stanton and susan b. anthony, alice paul, and many others. i have a desire to not take this right for granted. i cannot tell you what these women went through in order to get their voices heard, in order for their future generations to have a voice as well; and it wasn't even 100 years ago.
i don't know who i am going to vote for yet though my thoughts are already leaning one way. if i had my way i might vote for michelle obama and cindy mccain. they're pretty incredible women. i actually have sympathies with both parties/ all parties.
i don't like mud slinging. i don't like when others criticize beyond logic and use manipulatively flowery or overly scathing language (something the candidates do as well and HAVE been doing since Andrew Jackson and before). i just want the facts. i don't want to be manipulated. i want to make a clear choice based on personal convictions as i weigh each candidate's party and platform.
i like that i get to choose. i like that WE ALL get to choose. i like that i have the right to choose. i like that many have differing opinions. life would be boring without it. free-thought.... what a wonderful thing. please celebrate it today and use your mind.
i don't know who i am going to vote for yet though my thoughts are already leaning one way. if i had my way i might vote for michelle obama and cindy mccain. they're pretty incredible women. i actually have sympathies with both parties/ all parties.
i don't like mud slinging. i don't like when others criticize beyond logic and use manipulatively flowery or overly scathing language (something the candidates do as well and HAVE been doing since Andrew Jackson and before). i just want the facts. i don't want to be manipulated. i want to make a clear choice based on personal convictions as i weigh each candidate's party and platform.
i like that i get to choose. i like that WE ALL get to choose. i like that i have the right to choose. i like that many have differing opinions. life would be boring without it. free-thought.... what a wonderful thing. please celebrate it today and use your mind.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
8 days in a new york minute
day 1: neal, a true road warrior, takes the wheel of a 15 foot monster while micah hacks her way through a gluten free egg mcmuffin. more than perfectly spiced chicken biscuits. air conditioning dance for hours. precious food from hearne, cookies and brownies from ovilla. who could ask for anything more.
day 2: neal takes the wheel. air conditioning dance is over. customer service proves a lost art. two hours in jackson, tenn. a thoughtless mechanic who can't think on his own.
day 3: watch out louisville. watch out for neal's amazing grandmother and her powerful grabber.
day 4: queasy micah waves good bye kentucky. helllllooooooo ohio. helllloooooo wheeling, west virginia? good bye for good wheeling, west virginia. welcome to pennsylvania, home of the omish barn. and another barn. and yet another barn. i heart pennsylvania hills and mountains.
day 5: mcdonald's highway guru misguides; we have no desire to end up in syracuse. watch out nyc... neal is drivin' through lincoln tunnel. micah is very impressed. and very sick. neal navigates manhattan by rubber and harlem by foot. micah navigates brie's pillow. brie brings home the brie. the most tender chicken ever and seafood in madeira sauce mark the first day in gotham.
day 6: 18 miles of words, the villiage people, brazilian goodness, brooklyn lines, ice cream in central park. micah sick. neal patient. all thaid up with 5 wonderful people in the theatre district. and i am blessed by all.... especially the incredible man holding my hand.
day 7: i am still though the city moves all around me. and it is confounded by my stillness. first subway ride alone and i am met by a friendly woman from the bronx. we talk and i save a seat for her on the subway. three girls giggle and sing. harlem's wonders untouched. Lord, save their innocence. a latte later, brie and micah head to "england". two hours of tea and sympathy. lovely. bookstores and libraries. marble and maps. two lions book end a marvelous sight. i love my brie. micah pooped and speechless. brie patient. neal, micah and brie head to a darker gotham for three hours. lamb stew, salmon in dill, salad and carrot soup. je voudrais une boite en bois s'il vous plait. ahhhh la vie en rose.
day 8: hit the ground running. breakfast. the zoo- trains and travelers. the zoo- flashing lights and tourists. ice cream and good byes. subways, buses, and planes. tropical april showers at 14,000 feet while joe mccarthy gambles. and the wheels hit the ground back in austin; two black bags continue on the adventure.
and i am ready for the next adventure. this time healthy. got your bags packed?
day 2: neal takes the wheel. air conditioning dance is over. customer service proves a lost art. two hours in jackson, tenn. a thoughtless mechanic who can't think on his own.
day 3: watch out louisville. watch out for neal's amazing grandmother and her powerful grabber.
day 4: queasy micah waves good bye kentucky. helllllooooooo ohio. helllloooooo wheeling, west virginia? good bye for good wheeling, west virginia. welcome to pennsylvania, home of the omish barn. and another barn. and yet another barn. i heart pennsylvania hills and mountains.
day 5: mcdonald's highway guru misguides; we have no desire to end up in syracuse. watch out nyc... neal is drivin' through lincoln tunnel. micah is very impressed. and very sick. neal navigates manhattan by rubber and harlem by foot. micah navigates brie's pillow. brie brings home the brie. the most tender chicken ever and seafood in madeira sauce mark the first day in gotham.
day 6: 18 miles of words, the villiage people, brazilian goodness, brooklyn lines, ice cream in central park. micah sick. neal patient. all thaid up with 5 wonderful people in the theatre district. and i am blessed by all.... especially the incredible man holding my hand.
day 7: i am still though the city moves all around me. and it is confounded by my stillness. first subway ride alone and i am met by a friendly woman from the bronx. we talk and i save a seat for her on the subway. three girls giggle and sing. harlem's wonders untouched. Lord, save their innocence. a latte later, brie and micah head to "england". two hours of tea and sympathy. lovely. bookstores and libraries. marble and maps. two lions book end a marvelous sight. i love my brie. micah pooped and speechless. brie patient. neal, micah and brie head to a darker gotham for three hours. lamb stew, salmon in dill, salad and carrot soup. je voudrais une boite en bois s'il vous plait. ahhhh la vie en rose.
day 8: hit the ground running. breakfast. the zoo- trains and travelers. the zoo- flashing lights and tourists. ice cream and good byes. subways, buses, and planes. tropical april showers at 14,000 feet while joe mccarthy gambles. and the wheels hit the ground back in austin; two black bags continue on the adventure.
and i am ready for the next adventure. this time healthy. got your bags packed?
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Rossi colored glasses
Совершенная улицаUlitsa Zodchego Rossi
St. Petersburg, Russia has the perfect street, the street of ideal proportions, perfectly measured, just perfect. In fact, one travel guide suggested that it was an incomparable opportunity to experience harmony. It has identical buildings on either side, same width, same height. The street is even perfectly symmetrical to the height and width of the buildings. When something is perfect, it is flawless, ideal, complete, whole, finished, polished, model, free of defects, blameless, without blemish.
HOAs exist to enforce and manage neighborhoods and yards, ensure everyone uses the same hose, cuts their grass at 3 inches, only plants crepe myrtles and mountain laurels, never puts pink flamingos or garden gnomes in the cultivated landscaping. And to the family that puts a pear tree in the front yard, watch out. You'll probably be asked to cut it down. Everyone else put in the standard silver maple creating the ideal housing development.
All is not perfect in our yard. Gotta say I prefer imperfections. I like funky flamingos.
Friday, May 9, 2008
gently down the stream
it's one of those days when there is so much to say and write but none of it fits together. hem's gently down the stream captures how i felt for the first two days of this week with it's surreal, dreamy, solemn goodness as i reflected and somberly celebrated the joy of a perfect sunday evening. for two days i floated gently down the stream, not with a great smile or a stupid grin. there were no expressions and there are no words to write, no tone or voice that can capture the goodness i felt deep within.
thursday was filled with thoughts of bravery in the heat of weakness as i went to chemo with a friend. we were there all day and i saw many souls in and out of the infusion room, ones who have fought with more tenacity and bravery than i can ever truly imagine. there is so much to learn from those who have to walk this path, fight this battle. one lady we met will be forever etched on my memory; she walks this life with her head held high and the knowledge that her cancer will never go away. she was on her fourth type of chemo treatment for one of the rarest kinds of cancer. she is a true amazon. six foot tall. in her late fifties, early sixties. broad, strong shoulders. bright dress. adorned in jewels and high heels. feminine and unmoved. courageous. her comfort during chemo? her husband's picture by her chair. i was indifferent to the picture; but to her his face was love, acceptance, comfort, joy, a blanket of peace.
i am still processing it all-- there is so much to think on when in the chemo infusion room, so much to think about on perfect evenings. another loved one has to face cancer every day. am i helping her, learning from her? i also considered the brevity of life; our turn on this earthly playground is not that long. will it make a difference when i go? have i made a difference? will i ever have what my amazon friend has? i've been waking up every morning at 5:30 this week (not by choice!) turning those thoughts into prayers.
thursday was filled with thoughts of bravery in the heat of weakness as i went to chemo with a friend. we were there all day and i saw many souls in and out of the infusion room, ones who have fought with more tenacity and bravery than i can ever truly imagine. there is so much to learn from those who have to walk this path, fight this battle. one lady we met will be forever etched on my memory; she walks this life with her head held high and the knowledge that her cancer will never go away. she was on her fourth type of chemo treatment for one of the rarest kinds of cancer. she is a true amazon. six foot tall. in her late fifties, early sixties. broad, strong shoulders. bright dress. adorned in jewels and high heels. feminine and unmoved. courageous. her comfort during chemo? her husband's picture by her chair. i was indifferent to the picture; but to her his face was love, acceptance, comfort, joy, a blanket of peace.
i am still processing it all-- there is so much to think on when in the chemo infusion room, so much to think about on perfect evenings. another loved one has to face cancer every day. am i helping her, learning from her? i also considered the brevity of life; our turn on this earthly playground is not that long. will it make a difference when i go? have i made a difference? will i ever have what my amazon friend has? i've been waking up every morning at 5:30 this week (not by choice!) turning those thoughts into prayers.
Monday, April 14, 2008
the profound dichotomy of contentment and longing
“Contentment is a pearl of great price, and whoever procures it at the expense of ten thousand desires makes a wise and a happy purchase”
John Balguy
“It seems to me we can never give up longing and wishing while we are thoroughly alive. There are certain things we feel to be beautiful and good, and we must hunger after them.”
George Eliot
"True contentment is a thing as active as agriculture. It is the power of getting out of any situation all that there is in it. It is arduous and it is rare."
G. K. Chesterton
G. K. Chesterton
"The continuance of your longing is the continuance of your prayer."
St. Augustine
Thursday, February 14, 2008
yeah, it's been one of those days
it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that today is the day when red hearts and cavity-causing lollipops crowd desktops and inboxes. or the fact that today honors a man who chose to defy roman law by allowing love's call and God's design to win the day. or the fact that today is a couple's day.
i usually observe the day by taking myself out for a cappuccino and journaling, trying to find ways to enjoy and celebrate even as a single. but today, today i just want to fall into a strong shoulder and be held.... because my car died this morning and had to ride the bus and walk a mile (which wouldn't be all bad if i didn't have mono), because i've been sick for a month and feel miserable, because my glands are throbbing and my body aches, because i have insatiable sleepiness and i would rather be in bed right now (even though i got 10 hours of sleep last night), because there's work to be done in the office and i can barely keep my eyelids open let alone make web updates, because i am not allowing anyone to hug me and many are afraid to hug someone with a infectious virus (i would be too), because this illness is isolating, because being human i am designed for fellowship... and touch.
i know, i know. that's really not too much to complain about. there have been blessings as well. a dear individual set me up with homeopathic medication to speed up the healing. two lovely people brought me food yesterday. and i get these delightful cross-cultural phone calls!
the day did get better after going to lunch with my sister and nieces. my 1 year old niece, zoe, has this funny habit of grabbing her ears and chanting baby talk, and she saves this occupation solely for car rides. what a way to lighten the heart with kooky habits of 1 year olds.
still, it's just been one of those days when lemonade and cherry pie seem just out of reach. maybe i just need to change my outlook on lemons and cherries.
i usually observe the day by taking myself out for a cappuccino and journaling, trying to find ways to enjoy and celebrate even as a single. but today, today i just want to fall into a strong shoulder and be held.... because my car died this morning and had to ride the bus and walk a mile (which wouldn't be all bad if i didn't have mono), because i've been sick for a month and feel miserable, because my glands are throbbing and my body aches, because i have insatiable sleepiness and i would rather be in bed right now (even though i got 10 hours of sleep last night), because there's work to be done in the office and i can barely keep my eyelids open let alone make web updates, because i am not allowing anyone to hug me and many are afraid to hug someone with a infectious virus (i would be too), because this illness is isolating, because being human i am designed for fellowship... and touch.
i know, i know. that's really not too much to complain about. there have been blessings as well. a dear individual set me up with homeopathic medication to speed up the healing. two lovely people brought me food yesterday. and i get these delightful cross-cultural phone calls!
the day did get better after going to lunch with my sister and nieces. my 1 year old niece, zoe, has this funny habit of grabbing her ears and chanting baby talk, and she saves this occupation solely for car rides. what a way to lighten the heart with kooky habits of 1 year olds.
still, it's just been one of those days when lemonade and cherry pie seem just out of reach. maybe i just need to change my outlook on lemons and cherries.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
$1,000,000.00
there is so much on my mind and heart, so much to write about, poems lingering on the edge of my tongue and fingers, still much sadness and much processing. but today something very rare and very unusual has happened to me.
i touched a million dollars. today. literally. i touched a check for a million dollars. today. with my own two hands. the interest alone on that check will make double my yearly salary. whoa. i love working in philanthropy. we give away money. and some philanthropists give away big money. like 1 million dollars. for good causes. some per
son just sat down and wrote a check with six big zeroes behind a big fat 1. and it wasn't child's play or monopoly money. it was the real thing. not to buy a house or invest in the latest technology. it was given away. just like that. for posterity's sake. not to make a grandchild rich and wealthy or to make a name for oneself. but for the general public to benefit. and again i say, whoa.
so, i of course began to wonder.... if i was given a million dollars just like that what would i do with it? how would i steward it? what would you do with it?
-i would set up a retirement fund for my parents
-i would set some aside for my nieces to go to college
-i would set some aside for investing specifically for charity/missions/ministry and research well what i give to
-i would put some to work in investments
-i would set some aside for adopting a child one day
-i would buy a reliable vehicle for my brother and sister
-i would buy a hybrid vehicle for myself
-i would buy a shotgun to put my current vehicle out of its misery
-i would put some aside hoping that one day i get to have a very simple wedding
-i would find some kind of support to lose that last 35 of hiding weight (yes, i am one of those women always self-conscious of her body and all the perceived imperfections)
-i would go back to school and go to grad school in england
-i would cook large elaborate meals for random people
-i would have a community home in an unknown land to host musicians and poets and writers and artists and travelers and wanderers and the tired and weary and missionaries and thinkers and lecturers and intellects and philosophers and seekers and doers
-i would dress like a true bohemian and pierce my nose
-i would study a country and its people and go live there for a while
-i would take some time out just to write. just write.
-i would spend a day at the strand in nyc buying and giving away books
-i would dream about all the things that need to be done on this earth to bring it closer to what grace and glory look like... para ejemplo, programs for street kids in under-developed nations, ways to get children in third world countries out of the factories and in to childhood, what relief in africa should really look like, how to end the sex slave trade, how to support debt forgiveness for underdeveloped countries and programs to help them develop and maintain budgets and thriving industries, etc., etc...
looking at the list, there is so much of it that can be done without a million dollars! i don't need the million. just kinda need a little faith. so much of it is just dreams and visions, hopes and prayers. my purpose in life, my purpose on this round blue globe is to honor christ. my purpose is to serve him all the days i am given on this planet. that is my call. that is my reason to breathe and walk and live. this opportunity to be a civilian, to be a warm body on a cold cold earth, is a privilege and a grace though some days it feels more like punishment and purgatory. i don't need a million dollars. i've been given so much already. and i ask a similar question in another light, how am i stewarding all i've already been given?
right now someone i know is helping a charitable organization plan to give away $100,000,000.00 over the next few years. now that is.... unfathomable.
i touched a million dollars. today. literally. i touched a check for a million dollars. today. with my own two hands. the interest alone on that check will make double my yearly salary. whoa. i love working in philanthropy. we give away money. and some philanthropists give away big money. like 1 million dollars. for good causes. some per
son just sat down and wrote a check with six big zeroes behind a big fat 1. and it wasn't child's play or monopoly money. it was the real thing. not to buy a house or invest in the latest technology. it was given away. just like that. for posterity's sake. not to make a grandchild rich and wealthy or to make a name for oneself. but for the general public to benefit. and again i say, whoa.so, i of course began to wonder.... if i was given a million dollars just like that what would i do with it? how would i steward it? what would you do with it?
-i would set up a retirement fund for my parents
-i would set some aside for my nieces to go to college
-i would set some aside for investing specifically for charity/missions/ministry and research well what i give to
-i would put some to work in investments
-i would set some aside for adopting a child one day
-i would buy a reliable vehicle for my brother and sister
-i would buy a hybrid vehicle for myself
-i would buy a shotgun to put my current vehicle out of its misery
-i would put some aside hoping that one day i get to have a very simple wedding
-i would find some kind of support to lose that last 35 of hiding weight (yes, i am one of those women always self-conscious of her body and all the perceived imperfections)
-i would go back to school and go to grad school in england
-i would cook large elaborate meals for random people
-i would have a community home in an unknown land to host musicians and poets and writers and artists and travelers and wanderers and the tired and weary and missionaries and thinkers and lecturers and intellects and philosophers and seekers and doers
-i would dress like a true bohemian and pierce my nose
-i would study a country and its people and go live there for a while
-i would take some time out just to write. just write.
-i would spend a day at the strand in nyc buying and giving away books
-i would dream about all the things that need to be done on this earth to bring it closer to what grace and glory look like... para ejemplo, programs for street kids in under-developed nations, ways to get children in third world countries out of the factories and in to childhood, what relief in africa should really look like, how to end the sex slave trade, how to support debt forgiveness for underdeveloped countries and programs to help them develop and maintain budgets and thriving industries, etc., etc...
looking at the list, there is so much of it that can be done without a million dollars! i don't need the million. just kinda need a little faith. so much of it is just dreams and visions, hopes and prayers. my purpose in life, my purpose on this round blue globe is to honor christ. my purpose is to serve him all the days i am given on this planet. that is my call. that is my reason to breathe and walk and live. this opportunity to be a civilian, to be a warm body on a cold cold earth, is a privilege and a grace though some days it feels more like punishment and purgatory. i don't need a million dollars. i've been given so much already. and i ask a similar question in another light, how am i stewarding all i've already been given?
right now someone i know is helping a charitable organization plan to give away $100,000,000.00 over the next few years. now that is.... unfathomable.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
evidence and proof
I-35 the sunday after thanksgiving is a freeway not recommended to travel. after spending an hour and a half on a piece of highway that usually takes me forty-five minutes, it was already time to stretch the legs (mainly because sitting on a freeway is just a bit frustrating). i stopped at an unnamed business and headed straight to the bathroom. this particular bathroom was a very awkward one; instead of two stalls side by side th
ere was one on the right and one on the left. i came in and stood in line at the back wall with one other lady. at the outside door of the restroom, there was a wheelchair. in walks another woman who stands to my left now that the other woman has entered a stall on my right. i know i am next; the lady on my left knows i am next in line. in walks a mother and child and they stand to my right. the stall on the left opens and it is the woman needing the wheel chair. the woman on my left knows her and helps her to her wheel chair; and i enter the stall. it is my turn.
ah, but then there is the mother with child. she is quite upset with me because she jumps to conclusions. she thinks i am a horrible person who pushes others aside in order to serve myself and get to the stall first. the evidence before her suggests it in full. postmodern thought leads her to conclude that the immediate form of evidence is in her personal observation-- that i am a thoughtless human and i stole a place in line in the bathroom. yet i know that her sensory perceptions are completely subjective. she doesn't know that and lays the burden of proof on what her eyes see. she wants to comment to the lady who she perceives was in line first but she doesn't want to say something while i am still there. she attempts to comment and gives me a nice tongue lashing with her eyes when i exit the stall. the clear and convincing evidence before her suggested i was in need of an eye-whacking. misanthropic sentiments lead us to believe humanity is going to hell in a hand basket. what the mother concludes based on her eye witness account is that i am proof of this theory. i chose not to defend myself. i chose to meditate on this experience without letting this woman know i am not such a bad apple in the hand basket of humanity. but what conclusions will she draw from this, from a perceived truth? and yet i know the truth. i have the whole truth before me, and i completely aware there is a whole truth.
it made me think how often i do this; believe one truth based on intuition and the evidence before me, before my senses. but what lies beyond, beyond the door before i entered, before my senses were aware of their environment? what lies in unknown thoughts and proofs?
there is evidence before me that suggests two (even three) completely different conclusions. but i don't see what is behind the door. i do not have the whole truth. there is a whole truth that will put every bit of perceived and unperceived evidence into a whole picture. i long for resolution, a verdict, and to know truth. but until that time, i wait with patient defiance and trust the Almighty, the maker of Heaven and Earth. for i know He is the way, the truth, and the life. in Him is justice not anarchy, peace not chaos, real truth not relative truth.
ere was one on the right and one on the left. i came in and stood in line at the back wall with one other lady. at the outside door of the restroom, there was a wheelchair. in walks another woman who stands to my left now that the other woman has entered a stall on my right. i know i am next; the lady on my left knows i am next in line. in walks a mother and child and they stand to my right. the stall on the left opens and it is the woman needing the wheel chair. the woman on my left knows her and helps her to her wheel chair; and i enter the stall. it is my turn.ah, but then there is the mother with child. she is quite upset with me because she jumps to conclusions. she thinks i am a horrible person who pushes others aside in order to serve myself and get to the stall first. the evidence before her suggests it in full. postmodern thought leads her to conclude that the immediate form of evidence is in her personal observation-- that i am a thoughtless human and i stole a place in line in the bathroom. yet i know that her sensory perceptions are completely subjective. she doesn't know that and lays the burden of proof on what her eyes see. she wants to comment to the lady who she perceives was in line first but she doesn't want to say something while i am still there. she attempts to comment and gives me a nice tongue lashing with her eyes when i exit the stall. the clear and convincing evidence before her suggested i was in need of an eye-whacking. misanthropic sentiments lead us to believe humanity is going to hell in a hand basket. what the mother concludes based on her eye witness account is that i am proof of this theory. i chose not to defend myself. i chose to meditate on this experience without letting this woman know i am not such a bad apple in the hand basket of humanity. but what conclusions will she draw from this, from a perceived truth? and yet i know the truth. i have the whole truth before me, and i completely aware there is a whole truth.
it made me think how often i do this; believe one truth based on intuition and the evidence before me, before my senses. but what lies beyond, beyond the door before i entered, before my senses were aware of their environment? what lies in unknown thoughts and proofs?
there is evidence before me that suggests two (even three) completely different conclusions. but i don't see what is behind the door. i do not have the whole truth. there is a whole truth that will put every bit of perceived and unperceived evidence into a whole picture. i long for resolution, a verdict, and to know truth. but until that time, i wait with patient defiance and trust the Almighty, the maker of Heaven and Earth. for i know He is the way, the truth, and the life. in Him is justice not anarchy, peace not chaos, real truth not relative truth.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
a "half" birthday
when my siblings and i were young whipper snappers we had a family tradition of the half birthday. since my parents had mother's day and father's day as well as birthdays, we asked for another excuse to celebrate, and my parents came up with the half birthday. we would have 1/2 of a cake and we could choose the meal and we were allowed to have one friend over. we would usually go somewhere, most likely hiking or camping.
today is my half birthday and i am thinking over the things I am truly thankful for through this trying, bizzare but fruitful summer. 1. i have a working car. i had thought and dreamt about my ideal vehicle-- a silver honda hybrid or hoping for subaru to introduce their own hybrid. silly me. i have a vehicle to drive, and i try to endear its crumpled hood as an ironic reminder that that God takes care of me. 2. i have a compassionate, good doctor who has helped me heal (dr. garrett bary if you are in the market for a chiropractor/acupunturist). 3. i have renewed friendships, friends who know me well, have supported me over the years, and hopefully who i have supported and loved as well. 4. through these lovely ladies i have found a love and appreciation for swimming again. swimming has helped not only my body heal and get stronger and healthy again but through it the Lord has revealed to me several things as i talk to him in the water and as we (deborah and carla) talk and pray together. 4. literature and art i cannot live without. they teach and reveal unknown beauty. 5. that my father is healthy and healing. 6. hope for what lies ahead.
maybe i'll go eat at gueros and find a half a piece of half-birthday cake. and no, revealing my age is no longer acceptable even though it is just a half birthday.
today is my half birthday and i am thinking over the things I am truly thankful for through this trying, bizzare but fruitful summer. 1. i have a working car. i had thought and dreamt about my ideal vehicle-- a silver honda hybrid or hoping for subaru to introduce their own hybrid. silly me. i have a vehicle to drive, and i try to endear its crumpled hood as an ironic reminder that that God takes care of me. 2. i have a compassionate, good doctor who has helped me heal (dr. garrett bary if you are in the market for a chiropractor/acupunturist). 3. i have renewed friendships, friends who know me well, have supported me over the years, and hopefully who i have supported and loved as well. 4. through these lovely ladies i have found a love and appreciation for swimming again. swimming has helped not only my body heal and get stronger and healthy again but through it the Lord has revealed to me several things as i talk to him in the water and as we (deborah and carla) talk and pray together. 4. literature and art i cannot live without. they teach and reveal unknown beauty. 5. that my father is healthy and healing. 6. hope for what lies ahead.
maybe i'll go eat at gueros and find a half a piece of half-birthday cake. and no, revealing my age is no longer acceptable even though it is just a half birthday.
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